God does not call men to be hard, God calls men to be like Jesus: The Patriarchal Sexualization of Everything

We serve a King that wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-44) and who also turned over tables (Matthew 21:12). We serve a King that gently comforts and sternly judges. In a world of hypersexualization and gender confusion, Christians should be very careful not to reductionistically assign some characteristics of our Lord Jesus as “masculine” and others as “feminine.” Not only is this overly simplistic and almost cartoonish versions of masculinity and feminity not biblical, but they can also be very dangerous and lead to only more gender confusion. I can’t answer all of these difficult and complex questions, but I can offer a warning. 

The ideas that all men are to be hard and that all women are to be soft is cheap caricatures of humanity and biblical sexuality. Not only that, this cartoonish view of sexuality is driving gentle and nurturing boys and outspoken and adventurous girls to homosexuality. 

I am not a feminist. I am also not a patriarchalist. In a future article, I’d be happy to define these terms and explain why I am not fond of either label, but for now, let it be enough to know that I am not some kind of feminazi trying to overturn basic building blocks of society and morality. I do not believe women are called to be ordained elders (Titus 1:6; 1 Timothy 3:2), and I also think it is a shame that women would ever feel the need to fight in military combat (Josh. 1:14-18;). I think husbands are, by default, the covenantal heads of the household (Ephesians 5:22-24), and that instills a greater weight of responsibility to them. So let’s put away the pitchforks. As an additional aside, I focus on men and boys in this article, but the same dynamics and principled certainly apply to women and girls.

Before I say much more, I want to affirm that many psychological traits can be rightly discussed as normatively masculine or feminine. There are normative behavioral distinctions and that is all good and fine. Still, we cross the line into wrong thinking when we take normative psychological traits and, sometimes, cultural conventions and twist them into concrete virtues and vices. Further, it is okay and natural to be attracted to normative traits, but a man is no less a man because he doesn’t display all the normative traits as strongly or as clearly as another man. Likewise, a woman is not less a woman because she does not display as clearly the normative traits many other women displays. 

For example, it is good when a man learns how to fix a car, but another man is not less than a man when he focuses on learning Greek and Hebrew and could not change a car battery without help. A woman is not less feminine if she is handy with a rifle or crescent wrench. 

But there is also a much more insidious sexualization occurring that goes beyond hobbies or skill sets. The Church (or large swaths of the Church) is telling boys and men who are more naturally disposed towards gentleness and a nurturing spirit that their sexuality is in question. Sometimes it is not just gentleness or a nurturing spirit, but rather an interest in good coffee, poetry, or other “soft” things. These boys and men are regularly told to “man-up” because they are quick to cry or because they don’t fit a tough-guy stereotype. They have, perhaps, never ridden a horse, driven a big truck, got into a fistfight, played football, and their hands aren’t calloused and stained with soil. Perhaps he is soft-spoken and abnormally kind, maybe he’s boisterously cheerful, or maybe he finds joy in “domestic” tasks such as cooking and cleaning. Perhaps this boy or man is more disposed towards emotional sensitivity, tender nurturing, and non-aggression. While this man should be seeking to serve the Lord in alignment with his gifts and characteristics, some in the Church will joke that he must be gay, while others will be sincerely concerned that he might be too “effeminate.” How does the world respond? The LGBTQ culture of the modern western world is likely to suggest that the soft man is one of them. They will welcome the softness, affirm the softness, and embrace that soft “effeminate” boy.

Why? Because the world teaches that sexual identity is fluid, and the patriarchalist rhetoric, whether they realize it or not, agrees. 

Both worldviews, no matter how different on the surface, share the same basic worldview that teaches that our gender/sexual identity, is ultimately based on psychological factors. If you’re a man and you’re naturally more disposed towards emotional sensitivity, tender nurturing, and non-aggression, the LGBT culture of the modern western world is likely to suggest that you are one of them. They will welcome you and embrace you. All the while, the radical patriarchalists will tell you that you’re not a man because you’re too soft. Eventually, tragically, the boy who would rather read poetry and care for the kids in the nursery, may start to agree with both the #manup social media posts and the affirming lies of the sexually deviant left. He’ll agree and be driven into the arms of sin. 

I do not wish to overly simplify this issue. I wholeheartedly believe that oversimplifying this subject is precisely the problem. There are many situations when men are morally obligated before God to display traits that are normatively associated with masculinity. There are many times in which men are called to hard, sharp, and strong. However, the same could be said of women. When hard aggression is called for, it very well may be called for whoever is available. Further, when gentle softness is called for, being a man does not excuse that need for gentleness. What if both a man and a woman must respond to the same situation? Could the Godly response be different depending on their gender? Absolutely! In some situations, especially situations that call for physical force, it is often good for the responses to be very different. This is why it is important to understand these traits as normative and not concrete and mutually exclusive virtues or vices. No one will be able to provide the blogosphere with a thorough flow chart for when to act “masculine” or not. Unfortunately, these things rarely work as a simple flowchart, and that is exactly why I’m offering some push back on this tendency to pack virtue into, essentially, being more and less ordinary according to societal standards. Jael drove a spike through the head of an enemy commander (Judges 4:21; 5:24–26), and she was righteous in that. But she was also not a regular enlisted soldier. I wonder how many manly-man social media commentators would consider a modern Jael as too loud, too masculine, and a butch? 

Sometimes men are called to be hard, and sometimes men are to be soft. Sometimes men are called to call enemies vipers and turn over tables; other times men are called to weep softly, comfort, and nurture. Not only is the picture of humanity we see in Christ, but this is also a realistic picture of humanity we see in psychology. Human beings are not cartoon characters or movie characters. Most men will not be some kind of Indiana Jones, and most women will not be just like June Cleaver. God very much makes men and women different, but that does not mean all men and women fit a concrete mold. We shouldn’t expect that, nor should we take a Darwinian approach and claim that what is anthropologically normal is also what should be. Sometimes we should be hard as Indi and go punching nazis and saving the day, and sometimes we need to be as gentle and caring as a Mr. Rogers. But most men, and women, are not going to all of one or all of the other. And that is okay. 

Here’s the bottom line. Our identity in Christ is where it begins, and everything else flows from it. Our ethnicity, gender, social status, etc. does not change the basic precepts of faithfulness.

A good man is a man who seeks Christ. A good woman is a woman who seeks after Christ. This does not mean being the most stereotypical manly man or the most stereotypical girly girl. This does not mean fulfilling some romanticized 1950’s idea as if the 1950s were the peak of morality and virtue. What this does mean is meditating on and living by the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:3–12), doing our best to live like Christ, whether that means being gentle and humble, or stern and harsh. It means calling Pharisees out (Matthew 23), and it means gently correcting proverbial women at the well (John 4). It means calling your friend Satan (Matthew 16:23), at times, and then washing his feet (John 13:1-17). What this means in every conceivable context requires wisdom, maturity, and discernment. I do not have an easy answer, and frankly, an easy answer is not what mature men and women should always expect. Further, I assure you, though both the hardcore patriarchalists and the LGBTQ community sound very confident, they don’t have concrete answers either. Push them and you will see. What is clear is that “gendered” characteristics aren’t always going to fall into two neatly divided columns on a “Biblical Gender Roles” spreadsheet.